[ML247 Mentor Post]

By Michael Josephson

American Ethicist & Founder of Josephson Institute
Delivered on June 13, 2009

Thank you for the honor and privilege of sharing this extraordinary day – a day that most parents can’t believe has come so soon and that most graduates can’t believe has finally come.

As the father of four daughters ages 11 -15, I eagerly accepted Stephanie Knutson’s invitation to speak today in part because I wanted to know what it feels like to  have a teenager actually listen to what I have to say. I certainly don’t get that at home.

Okay, I don’t have any illusions that any of you are in excited anticipation of my words or that I’m the first choice of graduates. I’m not exactly a household name and, I suspect, many of you are wondering why the school couldn’t get a real speaker.

And I assume that many of you are like I was at my graduation harboring one great wish about the speech: “keep it short!”

I’ll try to do that but not everyone agrees on what short is.

On the basketball court Derek Fisher (for non basketball fans he’s the Laker that won the last game with two heroic shots) seems short, but at 6’1” he’d look pretty tall on this stage.

Though I’ve spoken to hundred of audiences  — including corporate executives and Congressmen, journalists and generals, and police officers and parents — I confess that speaking to teenagers really scares me.

I want so very much to be of value, to say things that are meaningful and memorable, but I know from my efforts to counsel my own teenagers how difficult it is to make the right connection.

And I got precious little moral support at home. In an effort to reassure me, my daughter Abrielle said, “don’t worry, no matter what you do, they probably won’t like it.”

I suppose if your and my expectations are low enough I may be able to meet them.

What I want to do this morning is share with you a few suggestions that I truly and sincerely think could help you live a better life.

Given what I do, I suppose it’s no surprise that all of the things I’m going to talk about relate to character, the most dominant factor that will determine the quality of your life.

Let’s start with a basic principle of character – integrity.

Integrity is not just about honesty, it’s about a wholeness of the self that comes from a consistency between words, acts and beliefs. It also includes moral courage, the will and ability to do what’s right even when it costs more than you want to pay.

First on the list my suggestions is: Be yourself, be your best self.

The pressure to conform to someone else’s idea of who you should be and what you should do will not end when you leave high school.

My favorite philosopher, Dr. Seuss said it well: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

Let’s be honest, telling some people to “be yourself” isn’t a good idea.

All of us have the capacity to wise, kind, honest and thoughtful but we can also be foolish, cruel, dishonest and selfish.

Being yourself is not just a matter of doing what you want, it’s a matter of finding where your personal moral compass points and striving to be your best self.

Anne Frank, the 13 year old Jewish girl who wrote a diary while hiding from the Nazis made an unusually wise observation for someone so young: “Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news” she said. “The good news is that you don't know how great you can be!  How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!”

Part of being your best self is always putting out your best effort.

There’s an old parable about a carpenter who, after thirty years working for the same builder, told his boss he wanted to retire.

He hoped for a large bonus, but instead, he got a big thank you and a request that he build one last house for an important client.

The home was to be quite lavish and it was to be built on a magnificent lot with a wonderful view. The carpenter was resentful. He knew he would never live in a place like that.

So, his heart was not in the project and his work was uncharacteristically shoddy. He ignored details, painted over defects and he even substituted inferior materials so he could pocket the difference.

When the house was finished, the carpenter told his boss he was through. His boss gave him an envelope. The carpenter thought it was another useless thank you note, but inside was a key to house he had just built and a deed with a short note: “You deserve this house made by the best carpenter in the world.”

Obviously, the carpenter was ashamed and embarrassed. He not only misjudged his boss; he betrayed his professionalism by building an inferior home, a home that he would now live in.

Through our daily actions we all build the houses we will live in.

Careless decisions and neglected relationships, lies and insincerity are the shoddy workmanship and inferior materials of life-building.

Whenever we take shortcuts to get us through the days, we shortchange ourselves for years.

Whenever we put in less than our best and ignore our potential for excellence, we create a future full of creaky floors, leaky roofs and crumbling foundations.

My second piece of advice: Take charge of your life. Your life is your ship; be the captain, not a passenger.

Again I’ll resort to Dr. Seuss: “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.”

Consider the story of a hard-working, pious man who found himself in financial trouble.  “Lord,” he prayed, “I’ve never asked for anything for myself but please let me win the lottery so I can pay off my debts.”

The week went by and he didn’t win. Meanwhile, his business got worse. He repeated his prayer but again he didn’t win. Finally, he was desperate and he prayed out loud: “Lord, I don’t understand. I’ve always lived the kind of life you wanted me to. All I’ve asked is to win the lottery. Why won’t you help me?” His wife heard his frustrated appeal, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Do God a favor. Buy a ticket.”

We can’t win the lottery unless we buy a ticket.

(beat)

One way to stay in charge of your life is to have clear goals, a mental map with your desired destination marked with a big "X."

Setting goals and thinking about what you need to do to achieve them increases enormously your chance of getting where you want to be. It is also a vital life skill.

The truth is you’ll probably change that spot on the map many times — sometimes after you reached it, but more often during the journey.

Don’t be afraid to adjust your goals but always have them.

If you’re like most teenagers, most of you have no idea what or who you really want to be. For some of you it’s tough just deciding what you want for lunch.

That’s okay. You don’t have to know everything now. You need to learn more about the world and yourself before you can be certain.

Still, be aware that what you do matters.

Every act has a consequence and the choices you make today will shape tomorrow.

An unknown poet said: “The future lies before you/ Like a field of driven snow,/ Be careful how you tread it,/For every step will show.”

The simple fact is that we are all responsible for and have to live with the consequences of our choices.  

Yes, we can choose our actions, but we can’t choose the consequences of our actions.

It’s not too early now to think about how you will measure success. Will it be about what you have or what you become?

It’s common in this day and age to think of success primarily in terms of wealth and achievements — money, cars, clothes, houses, status, prestige, prizes, championships.

There’s nothing wrong with this. Money and power can make life easier and more fun. As a famous singer named Sophie Tucker once said, “I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Rich is better.”

The challenge is to keep perspective.

Money and achievements are not ends in themselves. They are means to an end. They have never, by themselves, brought anyone a sense of worthiness or lasting happiness.

So be careful. Don’t be so preoccupied with the now that you sacrifice the later.

Don’t confuse fun with happiness or pleasure with fulfillment. Fun and pleasure last for only moments; happiness and fulfillment endure.

One hard lesson I’ve learned is that selfishness and self-indulgence are ultimately self-defeating. They prevent or destroy meaningful relationships by building walls that isolate people from each other.

The final destination in your pursuit of a good life should be the sense of self-respect and a sense that you are living a worthy life — worthy of your talents and opportunities, worthy of the love and pride of the people you love and worthy of the admiration and esteem of people whose opinion ought to matter.

Your ability to control your life through choice extends to your attitudes.

Abraham Lincoln said “A person is just about as happy as they are willing to be.”

Another wise person said, “Being happy isn’t just about getting what you want; it’s about learning to want what you get.”

Here’s another thing I’ve learned.

Don't expect too much or settle for too little.

Don't expect anyone else to make you happy, but don't allow others to treat you badly. Hang out with people who bring out the best in you, and be the kind of person who brings out the best in others.

Never underestimate the power you have to determine the quality of your life by choosing a positive perspective.

Even if it doesn’t come easily or naturally, choose see the glass as half full rather than half empty. No, you can’t always control what happens to you, but you can control what happens in you. You can control how you react. You can control what you hold on to and what you let go of.

Happy people don’t carry grudges or linger over their losses. They know that pain is inevitable ,but suffering is optional.

My third piece of advice is: Treasure and be worthy of meaningful personal relationships because they are critical to happiness.

And the surest way to create and sustain meaningful personal relationships is good character, especially honesty, respect and kindness.

Trust is essential to meaningful personal relationships and to earn trust you have to be honest with yourself and others. You also have to keep your commitments and be faithful.

To have good relationships you must respect other people and treat them with respect.

And to have good relationships you have to be kind.

It took me a long time to realize kindness is more important than cleverness.

I still remember an incident in the eighth grade. I was with my friends talking in the corner of a social hall when an overweight classmate who I was told had a crush on me, came over. Apparently trying to get attention, she chastised us for being “stuck up” and staying in the corner to ourselves.

My quick response was, “Estelle, when you come into a room there is nothing left but corners.”

Everyone laughed but Estelle.

I still regard this clever remark as one of the lowest moments in my life.

I wish I could say that after that I never said another mean thing in my life. But this is far from true.

As the cartoonist Doug Larson says, “The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.” 

The poet Maya Angelou has the best perspective I know to managing relationships. “People will not always remember what you say or do but they will always remember how you made them feel.”

A person of character always wants people to feel better, not worse.

A few years ago I read a passage written by a nurse who said that during her second year of nursing school her professor gave a quiz.  The writer said she breezed through the questions until she read the last one:  "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"  Surely this was a joke, she thought and she asked her professor whether the last question would count toward their grade.  "Absolutely," the professor said.  "In your careers, you will meet many people.  All are significant.  They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."  She ended her story saying she never forgot that lesson and that she learned the name of the lady who cleaned the school – it was Dorothy

Finally, let me close by urging you to fill your life with purpose and meaning and people worthy of your love and respect.

As the English statesman Benjamin Disraeli said, “life is too important to be little.”

Think of ways you can serve. Think of ways you can contribute to the betterment of your community, maybe even the world.

My generation was motivated by President Kennedy who told us: “Ask not of what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country.”

Martin Luther King, Jr. told us that “Everyone has an opportunity to be great because everyone has an opportunity to serve.”

Just a few weeks ago, President Obama made this call to your generation.

“When you serve, it doesn't just improve your community; it makes you part of your community. It breaks down walls. It fosters cooperation. And when that happens - when people set aside their difference to work in common effort towards a common good; when they struggle together, and sacrifice together, and learn from one another — all things are possible."

It’s easy to let yourself off the hook by claiming you are only one person and that one person can’t make a difference.

But a famous orator in the time of Lincoln named Edward Everett Hale gave the perfect response to this self-imposed sense of helplessness: “It is true I am only one,” he said “but still I am one. And though I cannot do everything, I can do something, and I must not refuse to do what I can do.”

You may have heard the story of a young boy who discovered hundreds of starfish washed up on the sand. He started to throw the starfish back into the ocean so they won’t die. An old guy came by and made fun of him for wasting his time. “There too many starfish out here, many will die before you get to them,” he said. “What you’re doing doesn’t make any difference.”

The boy looked at the living creature in his hand and said, “It does for this star fish.”

Consider the tale of the young man who took a new route to his place of worship. And, for the first time, he saw homeless people, alcoholics and mentally ill adults wandered the streets, and crack dealers sell drugs to anyone who would buy them.

He was overcome with a despondency and doubt about the power and intentions of God.

"God," he prayed, "how can you allow all this pain and misery and do nothing?" Receiving no answer he became frustrated and he raised his voice, "Lord, my faith is at issue. How can you allow all this suffering and do nothing?"

Then, he heard a whispered voice from behind: "He didn't do nothing. He made YOU!"

What a profound insight and daunting responsibility it is to realize that you are the instrument of reform; that your courage, compassion and creativity in your own sphere of influence can set into motion a ripple effect of healing actions and attitudes to make a better world.

So ladies and gentlemen my final invocation to you is to make a difference, one starfish at a time because your life really does matter.

Thank you.